I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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