meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
