i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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