i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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