The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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