my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
