Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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