I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
