I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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