a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Text me some of your sweat
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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