I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
