I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
