you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
