At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
