I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
