just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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