i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
