everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
