Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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