i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i need some magic done to my vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
