You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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