Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
