I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
