He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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