perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The Olympian is in my bed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
