just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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