if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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