apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
