When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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