those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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