I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Be still, my beating vagina.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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