I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Help. Why am I so naked?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
