He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you inspire me to be a worse person
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
