You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
