there's paper in my vomit.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
