After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Randomize
