I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
