First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
