My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
