My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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