Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
