he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
