Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
