You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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