I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
