He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
