Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
