i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
