I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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