Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
