I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
