I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
