I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
