I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
