I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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